The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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