An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
