I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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