This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
