just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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