this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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