i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
