so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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