Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
