There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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