to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
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