opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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