She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
