census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
