I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
