I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
