Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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