Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
