I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
