xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
