I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i've created a new STD.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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