i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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