oh fat girl friday strikes again...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
