did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i came on her dog
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
