: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
