I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
