Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
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