there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
