Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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