i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
