i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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