I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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