My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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