Old men and throwing up are my life now.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
