I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
