im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
