Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
