So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
