Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
