i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
