He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
