OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
no, he came in my armpit
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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