shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
