I love having hate sex.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
