i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
