when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
