I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
