apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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