girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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