Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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