you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
